Chapter Nine

Monica tried to rein in her thoughts. All she had to do was talk to God. She used to do it all the time. In her other life. The life where she had been a normal part of society.

She looked around. There were a few other pairs, all talking in hushed tones. Some were crying like she had been. Others had determined looks set on their faces. But they were all here for a reason, they needed God.

Monica closed her eyes and began to speak quietly out loud. “God, I know I don’t deserve to have you hear me. I know I have been rebellious, stubborn and proud. I have hurt everyone close to me, and they all probably hate me.” She paused as memories of her past sin flashed in rapid succession before her eyes. Shame filled her, and regret pierced her heart.

Monica knelt in front of the bench, laid her head on her arms, and wept. How would they ever forgive her? All the horrible things she had allowed into her life; the depression, the drugs, the men. Nothing should have been more important than her relationship with God. Yet she had pushed Him away.

She had been a horrific Mother. She had violated Sarah’s innocence and now who knew where she was or what she was doing. Monica knew she didn’t deserve forgiveness. She didn’t deserve to live.

“Oh, God please forgive me! I have been a fool. I should have listened to my parents when they tried to help me. I should never have aborted my baby…” Sobs wracked her body. But she had to continue. Her voice was now hoarse from crying and came out in a whisper.

“God, I have made one bad choice after another. I have abused my body with drugs, alcohol, and relationships with men. Please cleanse me. I need you desperately! What a mess I have made of my life, and my daughter’s life.

“Oh, my Sarah! She took care of me and the house when I should have been taking care of her. Oh, God have I ruined her life as well as my own? Please, please forgive me for being so selfish and horrible. For not being the Mother I should have been. Please heal her from the past.

“Jesus, please take care of Sarah. Please protect her. Let her know You love her, and that it’s the most important thing in the world. Oh, God I am so ashamed! I want to obey You. I want to have a relationship with You like I used to. I surrender to whatever You will have me to do, no matter how hard. I need Your strength. Thank you for loving me and bringing me back to you. Help me to not turn back to my own ways. I don’t deserve Your love, but I am so thankful and humbled. I love You Jesus. Amen.”

Monica sat with her eyes closed for a moment longer. She could feel God’s love. It felt good to confess those things from her past. Her heart had peace she hadn’t experienced in years. She felt light, like a huge burden she didn’t know was weighing her down had been removed. Monica started laughing quietly.

She got to her feet, brushed off her skirt where it had touched the ground, and looked for Joyce Lepley. She was still under the tree, right where she said she would be. There was also a man with her, and they were talking quietly. When they saw Monica approach, they turned to her and smiled.

“How are you Dear? Did you get everything worked out with the Lord?” Joyce asked.

Monica wiped beneath each eye with her index fingers. “I must look a mess. But it’s the first time in years I haven’t felt like one. I think this has been a turning point for me, Joyce. I know the Lord is with me, and I know I’m ready to start over.”
“I’m so glad to hear you say that, Monica.” Joyce gestured to the man standing next to her. “This is Tim Hart. He is the man who heads up our Celebrate Recovery ministry. It’s for people who are, or have been addicts. I wasn’t sure how you were doing, but I thought it would be helpful to introduce the two of you. Tim has been through some of the same things you’ve shared with me, and I am sure his ministry would be a blessing to you.”

Monica looked at the man. He seemed decent enough. A person wouldn’t look at him and think he had once been an addict. But she would never have looked at herself years ago and thought she would have become one either.

“Hi, Monica. If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk with you about our ministry and some possible ways we can help you. Joyce has generously offered her home this evening for us to meet in if you have the time. If not,” he reached into his coat and pulled out a small card, “here’s my business card. My home and work phone numbers are there, as well as my e-mail address. Feel free to contact me any time.”

Monica read the card. It didn’t say what he did for a living, just the name of the ministry and his contact information. She looked at Tim again, then Joyce. “Well,” she shrugged, I don’t have anything planned. But I walked here. Would one of you be able to take me home after the meeting is finished?”

Monica was in no hurry to see if Joe was still at her house. Though she had called 9-1-1 to report a disturbance, they wouldn’t arrest him for being noisy. They had probably just told him to move on. But he would be back.

“Absolutely, Honey.” Joyce said, patting her shoulder. “Don’t you worry about a thing. This is an important night for you. God’s starting to work His plan, and we want to let Him work while you’re still softened to His call. Now, I’ll just go round up Mr. Lepley, well you can call him Hank, and then we can be on our way.”

Joyce disappeared into the tent. Monica suddenly felt self-conscious. She fiddled with the ribbon that decorated the waist of her dress. What should she say? Tim had a pleasant face, but was he up for small talk? Monica decided to let him be the first to speak.

“Have you lived in Orrville all your life?” Tim asked after a moment.

“Yes. I was born at Dunlap Memorial Hospital, went to Maple Street Elementary School, then graduated from the High School. My whole life has been here. What about you?” Monica smiled. She was relived he had started a conversation.

“No. I just moved here about six years ago. I’m from upstate New York. The place where I worked was downsizing, and I was laid off. The company offered me a good severance package, so I decided to take the opportunity to come down and see my parents. They died three years ago, and I’ve taken over their old place.

“At first I thought about remodeling it then selling and moving on, but just couldn’t do it. I don’t know, maybe I’ll settle down here for good. The Lord knows, and until He moves me, this is where I’ll be.”

The Lepleys walked up then, and after a brief chat decided Monica would join them in their car.

*******************

The short ride to their home was pleasant. The Lepleys were good people, sweet and helpful. Monica quickly felt comfortable with them both. Joyce’s friendliness had been a big reason Monica hadn’t just turned around and left before the service started. She had a lot of questions for Tim, and she hoped he would offer advice that would help her, not just some trite, pat answers she could get from a fortune cookie.

Once inside, Joyce made herself busy in the kitchen fixing a small snack, as she called it. To Monica it was more food than she normally consumed in one sitting. Joyce made ham sandwiches, pulled out some macaroni salad, chips, soda, and cake.

They were all seated comfortably around the table, and Hank blessed the food. While plates were being filled Monica started her questions.

“So, Tim, can you tell me why you’re qualified to give advice to people in my situation? Is there drug abuse history in your past? You look pretty put together now.” Monica picked up her sandwich and took a bite, even though she wasn’t really hungry. She was still feeling the effects of her recent reunion with the Lord. And she was starting to feel the need for a fix. But she tried to push that from her mind.

“ I can see you waste no time with formalities. I like that.” Tim put his fork down and crossed his arms on the table so he could lean on them. “Let me start at the beginning. I did not grow up in a Christian home. Both my parents had, but for whatever reason they turned their back on faith and church.

“My Father was a business man and had very little time for me and my sister. My Mother worked as well, and we were latch key kids from the time I was in third grade.”

Monica interrupted. “Sorry, latch key kids? What does that mean?”

Tim explained. “Well, my parents both worked, so after school my sister and I would come home and be alone for two or three hours, depending on when my Mother could leave work. We had a neighbor who kept an eye on us for her, but we were in the house alone and responsible for ourselves. From third grade through graduation I had a lot of time to myself away from my parents. That’s one thing that led to my involvement with drugs.”

Monica nodded her head in understanding. She had been home when Sarah was young, but Sarah had been responsible for herself, much like Tim’s situation. Only Sarah was left alone because of her Mother’s addiction. Shame washed over Monica again, and she struggled to push it aside. “Please, go on.” She said.

“Well,’ Tim began again, “it’s bound to happen sooner or later that when kids are left alone they’ll get into trouble. When I was eleven years old, I had a real fascination with cowboys. John Wayne in particular. I used to love to watch those old black and white westerns, and pretend to catch the bad guys. My sister, Katie would play with me. She was always the bad guy, because I wanted to be the hero.

“One day after school we decided it would be fun to get Dad’s rifle out of the case in the family room and pretend to be cowboys for real. I was eleven and Katie was eight. Everything was fine until Katie had the idea of pretending to steal money from the bank and hiding out. She wanted me to find her.”

Tim’s voice took on a heavy tone as he continued with the story. His face became more drawn and serious. He exhaled deeply before continuing.

“So, Katie went and hid while I got the gun. I searched through the house but I couldn’t find her. I looked in every room. Just as I was about to give up, she jumped out from the hall closet. Scared me to death. My finger had been on the trigger and it was just a gut reaction to pull it. I shot her in the stomach and she died within the hour from loss of blood.”