Chapter Eleven

Monica was stunned into silence. The Lepleys were quiet as well, but Monica was sure they were familiar with Tim’s story. What a horrible thing to have happen at such a young age. Tim talked about it with calm, but it was mingled with regret.

“See, I had never used a gun before,” Tim continued. “It looked so easy on TV and in the movies. I was unprepared for the kick. It knocked me to the floor and I hit my head. I was dizzy for a few minutes before I realized what had happened. By that time Katie was lying in a pool of blood. I ran to call 9-1-1. Katie was unconscious and pale. It was such close range that she didn’t have a chance. I never saw her alive again."

Tim shook his head with the memory and lifted his right hand to emphasize his point. “My parents blamed themselves, of course. My Mother would say over and over that if only she had been there it wouldn’t have happened. My Father felt guilty that he couldn’t provide everything we needed, and that it was his fault my Mother had to work in the first place. It silently drove a wedge between them. Neither blaming the other, but just being unable to forgive themselves.

“They also withdrew from me. For the next three years, every time my Mother looked at me she would start crying. I had no way of knowing why, so I assumed she was upset because I was the one who had pulled the trigger. I found out years later it was because the guilt she carried was so intense.

“Since they had pushed the Lord aside years earlier they had no place to find real comfort. And neither did I. The guilt I carried was enormous, and eventually led to my drug use.”

Monica understood the feeling of struggling with guilt. Her depression in the past from having the abortion had led to the breakdown of her marriage and her own reliance on drugs to cope. Monica thought for a moment about how many hours it had been since her last hit. It had actually been almost twenty four hours. She could feel the anxiety building inside, especially as she relived her past through her memories.

“So how did you finally overcome your addiction? For me, the cocaine keeps the depression away. It wipes away the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and makes me feel good. I don’t know how I can stop using it.”

Monica was totally honest. She knew she had God now, but there was a physical addiction she had to work through.

“That’s a great question. And I appreciate your honesty. It will help you recover more quickly.” Tim thought a moment before continuing. His blue eyes accepted the challenge of her question, and danced with the anticipation of his reply.

“I want to ask you a question, Monica. How do you feel after the high wears off? If you answer honestly, I’m sure you would say that the problems of your past are the first things you think of. They are constantly on your mind, driving you to use again. Am I right?”

Monica had never really stopped to think about it before, but Tim was right. The cocaine offered her a temporary escape from her past. When she came down, she was sure her parents, or her ex-husband would be waiting outside to cart her off to jail for the things she had done. Countless times she had also envisioned Sarah coming back to kill her in her sleep.

”Yes, you’re absolutely right. And I imagine all the people I’ve hurt coming back to get revenge. I never imagined my life would end up like this.” Monica looked down at her plate, then pushed it away. She had absolutely no appetite.

“I thought so.” Tim said. “It was the same for me. When I was high I would have all kinds of conversations with Katie, we could go anywhere and do anything. I would see her whole, like the past had never happened. But when the high wore off, the vision of her lying in that pool of blood wouldn’t leave me. Any time I blinked, or closed my eyes, there she was. It was awful.”

“So, what happened to cure you?” Monica asked, her eyes hopeful.

“I met Jesus.” Tim had peace on his face, and an unspoken happiness that radiated at the mention of his Savior. “I was well on my way to killing myself with drugs and alcohol. I had dropped out of school and was living with one of my friends above his parents’ garage.

“One night they came home from a church meeting they had attended with the Dad’s sister. I could tell right away something was different with them. They sat both of us down and explained all about Jesus and how they had given their lives to Him. They said Jesus forgave everything you’d ever done or could ever do. That it was the whole point of why He came to earth.

“They said they wanted more for us, and that there was a better way to deal with the past than using. Their faces held such hope, and they spoke with such excitement, that it made me curious. We stayed up half that night talking with them, and I received Christ as my Savior. After that I went through detox. But it has been my faith in Christ that has kept me sober.”

Tim turned and spoke directly to Monica. “See, I figured out that Jesus had forgiven my past. And it was Satan that kept bringing it to my memory, and using it to keep me in slavery. When I realized how he was using me, it was easier to give it up to the Lord. I’m not saying it was a magic formula for an overnight recovery, but it was definitely key.”

Monica nodded. She could see now how she had let Satan manipulate and puppet her. She regretted it, and looked forward to the beginning of her recovery.

“What can you tell me about this Recovery ministry you have?” Monica was truly interested. If Tim’s addiction had been anything like her own, then there was great hope for her.

“Celebrate Recovery is a ministry started by Saddleback Church that helps people get over their hurts, habits and hang-ups by showing them the loving power of Jesus Christ through a recovery process. The steps to recovery are founded in the words of Christ Himself from His sermon on the mount.

“Many churches are full of people who are battling addictions of every kind, but no one willing to help. Sin is sin, no matter what the issue is, though some people don’t seem to believe that. It’s just easier to act like people with addictions don’t exist than to try and help.”

Monica had never experienced that in a church setting, but she had surely seen it over and again on the streets. How she had managed to keep a part-time job and not lose the house entirely was only the absolute grace of God. Well, she would work harder to make sure she didn’t lose it.

Tim looked at the Lepleys before continuing. “We have some great people here in Orrville who are understanding and supportive, and that helps our ministry be successful. But I must admit in the beginning it was difficult. If Hank weren’t on the Deacon Board and such a prayer warrior, we surely would’ve never survived our first month.”

Monica looked over at Hank who was ducking his head in embarrassment. “It has nothing to do with me at all,” Hank began. “It was all the Lord. He wanted that ministry here. He knew we needed it. I just asked Him to help it along is all.” He excused himself to take his dish to the kitchen.

Tim cocked his head to the side and smiled at Mrs. Lepley. “You know, there’s a shortage of humble men in this world. I bet you count yourself blessed.”

“Oh indeed. I worked in the medical field long enough to know pride is as much a part of the male psyche as stink to a skunk.” She pointed her finger at Tim. “That’s for sure!”

They all laughed together, and when it was quiet again Tim spoke. “Now, I have shared a little about my past, and how my addiction came to be. Now I would like to know a bit more about you, Monica, so I can best know how to help you.”

So Monica spent the next hour telling all the horrid things from her past. Not specific sins or people, but the truth of what she had allowed herself to become under the influence of cocaine. She spoke generally of Sarah, but didn’t mention her name. Monica wept while she spoke and when she was done, she felt relived. Instead of feeling worried that these people would judge her, she knew they only wanted God’s best for her. That was an encouraging thing.

After taking in her story, Tim was ready to make a recommendation. “Well, as hard as this will be to say, I think your best chance of recovery is to break all ties to this area. Your whole life has been here, and it may be very difficult for you to deal with people during the recovery process. We all know how small towns can be. And as wonderful a place as Orrville is, I just don’t think it will be healthy for you to be here.

“I have a friend who runs a wonderful program in Tennessee. It’s a secluded place where you can draw closer to God, and learn to serve others in stead of taking advantage of and using people. They have a wonderful reputation, and I think it would be ideal. Of course, we would still be available for support, should you desire it. What would you say to that?”

Monica had to think for a moment. Never had she imagined she would have to leave the only town she’d ever known. Doubts crept in. Would the Lord ask such a hard thing right off the bat? Shouldn’t He sort of work His way up to something that difficult? But she had told the Lord she wanted to be obedient. And she trusted the Lepleys, and Tim, to guide her in the best way. They had been so kind. Surely it must be the right thing.

“You know, perhaps I could use a fresh start. Although I must admit the idea has me terrified, I know it is something I need. I told the Lord tonight that I wanted to be obedient, and that I would need His help and strength to do it. If you think it’s the right thing, well, then I do too.” Monica felt peace flood her. The Lord was with her and would guide her. Every step she took toward recovery was a step closer to Him.

She spoke again. “And I think maybe keeping the house isn’t such a good idea. What if I decided to leave the program and come back here to continue my habit? If I sell the house, and cut all ties to this place, then I will have nowhere to run away to. I could start over, make a new life for myself." She paused and thought for a moment. "It’s actually becoming a very attractive idea.” Monica placed her elbows on the table and rested her face in her hands.

“Well, you don’t need to make any decisions like that tonight.” Mrs. Lepley said as she gathered the remaining dishes. “Although if that’s what you want to do, we’ll help you in any way we can. You know Hank’s in real estate.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that. How interesting.” Suddenly Monica saw things falling into place. But if she were going to sell the house, there was plenty of work to be done.