Forward By the Author

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Chapter One

Sarah James put down her pencil, looked briefly over her papers, and made her way to the front of the room. She placed her test, face down, on the corner of the Teacher’s desk. She felt confident she had aced the exam, and walked back to her desk to gather her things with her head held high, knowing her fellow students were gaping at her quick finish.

She didn’t often feel this way. More times than she could count she found herself with eyes cast down, shoulders slumped, trying to disappear into the air. She had been careful to guard the true details of her life. Those who knew either disowned her, or pitied her so much that Sarah could hardly stand to be around them. She had decided no one else would ever know. After the next semester she would probably never see these people again. She was graduating with honors, and planned to try and finally put her past behind her.

She had decided back when she ran away, to stay in town and just hide out from place to place until her Mother would forget about her. It probably hadn’t taken long. Her Mother was probably glad to be rid of her, except for the loss of income Sarah had generated.

Sarah had stayed with friends on and off for a few weeks, hiding out in their basements, garages or attics. None of their parents had known Sarah was even there. She didn’t want them getting involved and trying to put her in a children’s home, or put her Mother in jail. As bad as her Mother had treated her, Sarah felt nothing but pity for her.

The hiding out had worked fine for several years. She had worked out a schedule to rotate between places, and there was a lot Sarah found she could do without. When she had turned sixteen, Sarah was old enough to work part time. She had taken a job at the library, one of her favorite places. Many times as a young child she would hide out among the shelves lost in another world safer than hers. Come closing time she always left, but wished she didn’t have to.

One day while she was putting some supplies downstairs, she found an old unlocked room in the basement. There was a window on the far side she could access that faced the seldom used alley. She had rigged the lock to stay open that day, and moved in the next night.

It had taken a while to get it cleaned out enough to be livable, what with all the papers, old posters and books piled around. Now she had everything she needed. She used a friend’s old sleeping bag and pillow, bought a small desk lamp and other items from Goodwill, and felt quite at home. It was warm in the winter, what with the boiler room being next door. It was secluded and safe too. And work was right upstairs. So was the bathroom. She showered at school, and it had worked out just fine. Plus, it was free.

She had continued to go to school, as she knew it was the only way she could ever have a future. She was careful not to be seen out anywhere else. She went to school and cross country practice, then straight to work, then a quick dinner from the gas station or grocery store, then when it was dark enough, it was straight to her “room” to study. She was glad she had never been turned in and adopted, because she probably would’ve had to change schools.

Never mind the fact that she would be expected to follow someone else’s rules. Sarah had plans for college too. Her grades placed her at the top of her class, and she was one the best cross country runners in the state. She knew scholarships would be no problem. She expected three or four of her top choices to offer her a full ride.

Sarah loved running. Her foray into cross country had been a result of her time in gym. They were doing the Presidential Physical Fitness test, and she had done exceptionally well in the mile run. Her gym teacher, Mr. Smith had approached her afterwards and asked if she’d be interested in joining the cross country team. Sarah had never thought of it before.

She was a natural, though. Blessed with long legs and good metabolism that kept her thin, running was easy for her. When she was running, she was safe. No one could touch her. She felt strong and alive with the wind in her face and the sun on her back. She hoped to get enough scholarships to continue running in college.

All she was waiting for now were the acceptance letters. She had set up a P.O. Box at the Post Office to avoid trying to sneak mail from her Mother’s. Her guidance counselors had been more than helpful in getting her paperwork filled out. Most of the town knew her Mother’s reputation, so no one questioned her when there was an absence of parental involvement.

Though the counselors had encouraged Sarah to seek out her Father and maybe be reunited with him, Sarah refused, saying she was handling things just fine and they need not worry. Inwardly she just hoped to get through this year and head out on her own. If they only knew how she was living, they would turn her over to state social workers in a heartbeat. Of that Sarah was sure.

In only three months she would be eighteen. Then she would truly be free. Her Mother couldn’t control her, she wouldn’t have to worry about nosy teachers or neighbors. She could go away to college and be whoever she wanted. Make up a past that was pleasant, and wouldn’t leave her feeling guilty and ashamed. It would seem exciting if it wasn’t so terribly sad.

****************************

As expected, Sarah aced her exams, and took the time during spring break to work more hours at the library. She was saving up her money so when the acceptance letters came she could make her decision and have the money ready to fly. She didn’t own a car, and didn’t really need one. Everything in the small town where she lived was easily accessible by walking. Or, in Sarah’s case, running.

She would think about getting a car when the need arose. Sarah was taking her time with lunch today, poring over her books, and checking her watch to see how long she had until she was expected at work.

Sarah truly enjoyed her time at the library. It had been a safe-haven for her for years. She would go there to escape life at home, and lose herself in books. She always dreaded leaving at closing time, and heading back into the harsh reality at home.

Mrs. Lepley, the head librarian was a kind, soft-spoken woman whom Sarah adored. She felt more like her Grandmother than her boss. They had the kind of relationship Sarah wished she could have with her Mother. When Sarah had applied to and won several state scholarships, Mrs. Lepley had been there to celebrate with her and offer even more words of encouragement. Any time Sarah had a need, Mrs. Lepley seemed to know, and provided what Sarah lacked before she could even begin to worry about it.

Mrs. Lepley also had a deep faith in God. She and Sarah had spoken many times about the things of God and faith. One conversation in particular stood out in Sarah’s memory.

They were eating lunch together, as usual on a Saturday, and Mrs. Lepley had asked Sarah how she felt about going away to college.

“I feel pretty good about it.” Sarah replied in between bites of her turkey sub. “I mean, life here hasn’t been ideal, and I think it will be good for me to go somewhere new. Where no one knows me.” She took a long sip of her bottled water.

Mrs. Lepley nodded her head and smiled. “Yes, I can imagine how you’d feel that way. I’m sure God has some wonderful plans for a beautiful and intelligent girl like yourself. Do you feel nervous at all, or do you think you’re ready to be out all on your own?”

Sarah didn’t have the heart to tell her friend that she’d been taking care of her Mother since she was eight, and living on her own since she was twelve. So she just sat for a moment and thought about how best to answer. “Well, I suppose there is a bit of hesitation to leave the only place I’ve ever known, but at the same time, I feel such excitement about what may lay ahead. I have this dream for what I want my future to be like, and I plan to do my best to make it happen.”

“You know, Sarah, your name is from the Bible. Have you ever heard the story of Sarah and Abraham?” Mrs. Lepley gathered up the wrapper from her sandwich and poured the rest of her Sprite into her glass.

Sarah shook her head. “No. My parents have never taken me to church. I mean, I’ve heard bits of stories here and there, but I couldn’t tell you anything detailed. What was the Sarah in the Bible like?”

Mrs. Lepley tucked part of her grey bob behind her left ear and, with her eyes shining, began to tell Sarah of her namesake. “She was a woman faced with a situation not unlike yourself. You see, God had called her husband Abraham to go to a place that he didn’t know. A place that God, in time, would show him. Sarah had to be very brave because she didn’t know what lie ahead.

“She also had to be wise and take the things with them they would need on their journey, however long that might be. I think that’s a bit like what you will be doing when you leave me this fall.”

Mrs. Lepley sighed as though wearied by the thought of Sarah’s leaving, and wiped her mouth with her napkin. “You don’t know exactly where you’re going, but I know you will be brave. And you will have to be wise as you set out on your own for the first time. There will be people and situations that will be hard to deal with. But I think you can handle it.

“You’ve proven through your school work that you are very intelligent, and to me here that you are a hard worker. There is one big difference between you and the Sarah in the Bible though.” Mrs. Lepley looked serious, and placed her hands on Sarah’s as she continued. “The Sarah of the Bible had a deep faith in God. I care about you, Sarah. Do you know the Lord Jesus in a personal way?”

Sarah hadn’t anticipated the question, and wasn’t prepared to answer. She knew Mrs. Lepley cared a great deal about her, and that she was different from any of the other adults who had been part of her life. But Sarah didn’t know if she was ready to believe in Jesus. After all, if God was real, why hadn’t He answered any of her prayers all the years she suffered in her Mother’s house?

How come she was alone, living in hiding, and working so hard just to survive? Sarah looked down at the table between them, and cleared her throat. “It’s not that I haven’t thought about God,” Sarah began. “It’s just that He’s never done anything for me. I’ve had some hard things happen in my life, Mrs. Lepley, and not one time that I asked Him did God ever answer me.

“Not when my Dad left, not when my Mother started hanging out with those disgusting men, not when she became addicted to drugs, and not when I was hungry, alone and scared as a child. If God were real, surely He would have helped me out at least once.” Sarah looked at Mrs. Lepley with pleading eyes, begging her friend to understand, and to just let it go.

“Well now, I don’t know about all those things in your past,” Mrs. Lepley said while clearing the table, “but I do know that God saw all of it. Why He allowed it to happen is not for us to question. But Sarah, you survived. You are a credit to your parents, no matter how rotten they’ve been.

“You’re a good girl, and God loves you. He longs to be the Father that you never had. He can heal the hurts your Mother and others have caused you. I don’t want to pressure you, but please think about why God may have wanted you to face those hard things. He always has a plan, a perfect plan. I’m sure one day you’ll look back on your life and see how God did help you in those times, even when you couldn’t see it. He’s lookin’ out for you, Sarah. Start lookin’ up to Him.”

Mrs. Lepley made her way to the door. “It’s about time to get back to work now. You think on what I said.” She winked at Sarah, and then went out to the front desk.

Sarah sat for a few minutes, and considered the words of her aged friend. Could the things she’d experienced in her life really been what God wanted for her? Part of some perfect plan? If that were true, then He was an even more hurtful God than if He didn’t care what was happening at all. Sarah shook her head. No, God was not real to her.

Maybe God was for people like Mrs. Lepley, who’d never had anything bad happen to them. Sarah gathered up the remainder of her lunch and placed it in the garbage. God was definitely not for her. Not now, maybe not ever. She looked back at the table and sighed. Work would be a welcome distraction from the direction her thoughts were taking. She turned the light out and closed the door of the office/break room.

******************

Sarah glanced at her watch. She would have to hurry or she’d be late for work. She’d been sitting at a corner table in the café of the grocery store, staring out the window. She thought she’d seen her Mother walk by a while ago, and her heart was gripped in a cold panic. If her Mother was indeed there, Sarah hoped she could get away without being seen by her.

If her Mother even recognized her, that is. It had been so many years since Sarah had been in the same room with her, that maybe her Mother wouldn’t know who she was anymore. That thought brought Sarah both relief and sadness.

Sarah picked up her books and placed them back in her shoulder bag. She zipped it, grabbed her purse and walked toward the door. She froze after six steps. Her Mother stood near the doorway, looking at a sign posted on the glass window of the café. There was no other exit, and if Sarah didn’t leave now she would definitely be late for work.

Should she risk walking past her, or hide in the bathroom until she thought it was safe? If her Mother found her now she could legally force her to go back home with her. She wouldn’t be eighteen for two more weeks. Sarah didn’t know what to do, so she just stood there.

After quickly running through her options, Sarah took a deep breath, moved her hair shoulder length chestnut hair so it hung in front of her face and walked quickly toward the door. She was just going through it when her Mother walked forward and bumped into her. “Watch where you’re going. You almost knocked me down!” Her Mother shouted, and then cursed.

The harshness of her Mother’s words startled Sarah, and she stared right into her Mother’s face for a moment. The woman before her was a pale, thin shadow of what her Mother used to look like. Her hair was unkempt, and she smelled of alcohol and of having been with men. Sarah turned away, grieved by the encounter and almost ran out of the store, then sprinted all the way to the library.

4 comments:

WendyMom said...

Hey- I just typed a comment and it wouldn't go through- let me try again!

WendyMom said...

O----Kaaaay-- that was weird!

Let me retype my comment.

I love it! It is so well written.

Is there a continuity issue in the second section of the first chapter? After her discussion with Mrs. Lepley, Sarah is in the break room- then as the next paragraph begins, she is in a cafe? Was there a story break there?

I especially love the portrayal of her character as she ponders whether God care for her in her life based on her experiences. I can tell you from personal experience that it is written very true to life and rings sincere. You write very well- I already care for Sarah and am pulling hard for her!

Keep it up- it's really good. When are you sending it to a publisher?

Janice said...

"poring"... I would have totally spelled that wrong had I used it in print before I read this chapter. You are such a great teacher! You are definitely The Queen English Master! I will be back to read more later!

Anonymous said...

I've just happened upon your book...and I'm already pulled in. I just told my husband last night that I needed a new book to read. God gave me yours...thanks. Mickie